


comfortable minds?

by badAquatic, orphan_account



Series: Trailerstuck [51]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Ableist Language, Alternate Universe - Human/Troll Society, Alternate Universe - Science Fiction, Corpses, F/M, M/M, Mentions of Child Slavery, Nightmares, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-15
Updated: 2014-05-15
Packaged: 2018-01-24 22:24:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,887
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1619126
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/badAquatic/pseuds/badAquatic, https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>'This is stupid', you tell yourself, 'This is so fucking stupid, Dave. He’s still Karkat.' </p><p>A week after Karkat's adult molt, Dave finds himself still struggling with the change. </p><p>Takes place after "is was will be".</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. david and goliath

**Author's Note:**

> Alright just an announcement: http://letsreadtrailerstuck.tumblr.com/ is doing a call for voice actors to fulfill different roles for a podfic reading of Trailerstuck. They'll be covering the first chapter "that ain't me". Check them out for submission details and what not. 
> 
> Also this chapter contains descriptions of dead bodies. I'm sorry.

 siren calls in the night you see-

below crowded streets full of debris

bodies jostling like ants in smoky clouds

men in helmets with shields marchmarchmarch down the broad road

you are above it all

 

up       and       high above

 

 

clinging to his chest the Man has you and he says,

-dont look

but you dont know what Not to unlook

and you are both

 

up       and       high above

 

and you see the light

a light in the east that you know is not the sun

fatty pork and beef cooking is what you smell-

awful sizzling smell

and the Mans face is wet and he says,

-dont look back little man

and down and below the ants in the streets are             howlinghowling

 

You sit up with a jolt, running scared out of the dream. The sudden movement startles Jade awake.

“What? What’s wrong?” She stammers, blindly groping the darkness for her glasses.

You sit on the edge of the bed, breathing in slowly. When you compose yourself, you realize it’s five in the morning. 5:27 to be exact because your brain is wired in ways you can’t understand. You worry if you’ve knocked Karkat on the floor but he’s not here. He hasn’t been sleeping in here for the past week now. Fuck.

Jade looks at you. “Dave…” she sighs.

“I’m fine.” you grunt, putting on your shades so you can see easier.  

“I think you should talk to Dirk or Jake or _someone_ about this.” Jade says.

“I’m fine...” You’re still awake and you can still smell the odor of burning meat. You’re not a vegetarian but that stench makes you want to never eat meat again.  

“You’ve been like this since Karkat molted a week ago.” Jade whispers so Karkat won’t overhear, “I know it’s an adjustment for you, but I think something else is going on.”

_“Don’t you think I know that?”_ Jade glares at you and you immediately feel like an asshole. “…I didn’t mean to snap. I’m still… tired.”

You’re not tired. You’re afraid and you don’t know why. You’ve been afraid since Karkat first molted. Karkat had been molting for so long that you were afraid something had gone wrong. You’d heard horror stories of trolls who died while molting. When the cocoon broke, you were relieved… until you saw that he was changed. You tried to stay calm but you started hyperventilating anyways. You hadn’t had a panic attack that serious in years but you remember what to do during them. You still maintained your ‘calm space’ hidden in your closet.

You sat in the closet and kept mentally repeating your anxiety mantras. Small spaces were always better than big ones.

Outside of the closet, you could hear Jade and Karkat talking. You could even hear Jade’s footsteps as she looked for you, but you stayed in the closet. You hadn’t told her or Karkat about your quiet space. What were they going to think about a grown man who needed to have a ‘quiet time’ area because of anxiety issues? They’d be convinced there was something wrong with you. You could handle the ridicule though because the worst thing about your panic attack was that you missed work. You’re still kicking yourself for that a week later, even though your shift manager didn’t mind. They already know about your panic attacks because Jake suggested (or rather, twisted your arm) to get you to mention it.

You hate it. You hate needing special accommodations. You hate having to take tests separately and needing extended dates for assignments.

You hate standing out. You’ve taken pains to make sure Jade and Karkat don’t notice, but it’s only inevitable. Maybe they figured it out a long time ago but haven’t said anything. That would explain why Karkat hasn’t been as upset as you thought he’d be about your distance, or maybe he’s matured in a way you can’t understand.

You leave the bedroom. Jade’s too exhausted to chase after you and lies back down. In the living room, Karkat is sleeping. His skin is darker and he’s bigger but his face hasn’t changed. He’s still the troll that praises romcoms and calls you an asshole in the most affectionate way.

So why do you look at him now and think he’s going to tear your throat out if he gets too close? You don’t feel afraid of other trolls. You’re a little anxious about Kurloz and Horuss but who wouldn’t be? They could break you in half.

_This is stupid,_ you tell yourself, _This is so fucking stupid, Dave. He’s still Karkat._

As you close the distance between Karkat and you, your heart starts pounding. You reach out and gently touch the side of his face. Karkat emits a rumbling purr and turns his head toward your warm hand. His eyelashes flicker and your stomach heaves. You back away before you can stop yourself.

_Stop it. Stop it. Stop being so fucking scared._

You can’t move. It feels like there’s a five pound weight on your chest. You go out to the back porch and curl into a little ball in the corner. With time, your breathing eases but you still feel shitty. Shitty and too scared to go back inside and have to walk around Karkat because you’re a miserable coward. So you stay outside, folded into a ball. It’s Saturday morning. You should be getting ready for work, but instead you’re doing this.

You don’t even know how you’re going to face work with how you feel right now.    

That’s when you hear noise from the stairs and footsteps coming toward you. You stay still hoping whoever it is ignore you but they don’t. “Dave?” Jake asks.

_“I’m fine.”_ You grumble, not moving from your curled position. You sound angrier than you actually feel.

“At least you’re still ‘fine’.” Jake says, not patronizing but obviously not believing you either. You peer out from the gap between your arms and see Jake sit on the opposite end of the porch, always remembering to respect your space when you’re like this. “Just be honest with me: are Karkat and you breaking up?”

“No.”

“Seems that way.” Jake says, raising an eyebrow. “He hasn’t really been in all week. Are you sure you’re not going to come home and he’ll be gone?”

The idea of Karkat disappearing without notice again makes you nervous. “I don’t want him to leave. I still hate him. Love him. Whatever. But…”

“But?”  

“…I’m scared of him and I don’t know why.” You can’t look at him as you say it. You sound so stupid. “I’m not scared of the other trolls.”

“Are you sure about that? I’ve seen you become anxious around Gamzee, Kurloz, and even Equius. You had anxieties about him being in your space when Karkat was missing.” You sit up slightly and look at him. Jake smirks. “You and Dirk express your anxieties the same way. You use a poker face when you’re anxious.”

“That’s because they could _break_ _me in half_ ,” you answer, “but I don’t deal with any of them. Equius is creepy, I don’t understand Kurloz’s hand signals, and Gamzee is an asshole.”

Jake rubs his chin, “Well, think about Karkat then. What particular _thing_ are you afraid of?”

“I don’t know…” Are you scared of his size? Karkat is definitely bigger now but you could still take him in a fight. It’d be a challenge but it’s not impossible. Are you scared of his claws? You have welts on your back and arms from him but nothing too damaging. His teeth? They’re sharp but he’s only bitten you playfully. His way of flirting with little nips and kisses. “I don’t think so.”

Thinking of this just makes you miss him more and hate yourself even more.

“Could it be something else that’s triggering you?”

“Don’t say that.” You fucking hate the word ‘triggering’. It makes you think of that asshole guidance counselor who treats you like you drool on your shirt. “What do you mean ‘something else’?”

“Well…” Jake searches for the proper words. “You can’t watch realistic zombie movies because you don’t like corpses. You told me that the reason is because you saw a dead body at some point, but you can’t remember when or where you were. You were small when it happened but you were old enough to remember, or maybe it was _important_ enough. Maybe… _something_ …happened during that time period? You should think back to then.”

“Even if I do figure it out…will that solve anything?”

“Dave, I can’t tell you that because I’m not you.”  

Even if you knew the answer, would Karkat forgive you? He has no reason to. You’re putting him through the emotional grinder and he’s already had enough pain to last two decades. Should you just let him go and move on? “What if…he doesn’t want to be bothered with me?”

Jake shrugs again.

“Those are the risks we take when we fall in love,” he says, “but Dave, who should you do this for? You shouldn’t be scared of someone you love but you should be concerned for your mental health. I know you don’t like to think about it but you have specific needs. Its okay to take a break and address them. Like with the shades...”

The biggest fight Dirk and you ever had had been about the shades. You hated having to wear them because they made you stand out, even more than your skin. People thought you were terminally sick or contagious. The reason you bolted into the swamp and encountered the giant lusus and subsequently, Jake. Even after that it took you years to realize standing out wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. 

Still, this is different. Jake sees your hesitation and stands. “Whatever you do, just make the choice that guarantees your happiness.”

You just nod and watch him leave. You know Jake has your best interests in mind but you know he’s grown attached to Karkat. His advice to think of your past is sound but you can’t remember you early days clearly. Anything beyond the age of ten is in obscured in a fog of babbling and sound. Your earliest memory is the nameless corpse and its maggots.

Instead, you try to remember the first troll you saw but that too is foggy. You only remember a friendly grey face and a large hand taking yours, leading you somewhere. Who was that troll? What was their blood color? Where were you going? Nothing comes to mind and you realize this is going to be a long process. You have things to do. You uncurl from your position on the porch and get ready for work. It takes skill to avoid Karkat but you accomplish it.  

 

9:12 AM

Being a Starboons barista is a mindless job but it pays the bills. You can remember five different coffee orders and do friendly customer small talk in your sleep. While you work, you think backwards through your memories.

Presently, you’re 18 (soon to be 19) and currently trying to get a second job. You have to pick a date for gene screening before you get fined. Jade and you aren't looking forward to it.

You’re 15 and you’re skipping out on chores. You’re in full-blown teen rebellion mode so you go to the swamp and take pictures of the dangerous lusii.

You’re 12 and you’re at Dirk and Jake’s wedding. It’s a small ceremony and you eat most of the cake.

You’re 9 and sitting outside the guidance counselor’s office while Bro is inside. The guidance counselor’s worried about your muteness, your penmanship, and other behaviors. She suggests you join the “special needs” program. Bro and you both know that’s code to dump you in a slower program to be ignored.

You’re 7 and you see Karkat for the first time. He runs down the streets, unlocks and opens his front door all by himself. You’re impressed at his independence.

You’re 5 and you’re exhausted but too afraid to sleep. You go to Dirk’s room, sniffling and asking if you can stay with him. He makes the bad dreams go away.

You’re 3 and everything is muddled because 3-year-old Dave’s mind is a surrealist Dadaist portrait out of rhyme and reason with chronology. You smell burning liver. You hear the road of people shouting in crowded streets. You feel heat on your face. And then you see the corpse, eyes full of wiggly white worms. Arms streaked with blood.

 

 

“Dave! Holy crap!” Mierfa says.

You look at the cerulean. “Huh?”

“Your _hand_ Dave!” Mierfa says.

You look at your hand. Hot scalding coffee is flowing out of the mug and over it. The customer is freaking out (more about their Espresso Con Panna than you) but you keep it cool. You put aside the splashed mug, get a new one, fill out the order and then wish the customer a nice day. They put extra tip in the jar because of your burn. Now that the job is done and you’re less focused, your hand starts to sting.

Mierfa takes you to the break room so she can bandage and ice your hand. You sit at a table letting her go Dr. Troll Quinn on it. “Shit, Dave,” she says, “how in the hell did you do _that_? I would’ve been screaming my head off and I’ve broken my arm in five different places.”

“It’s not that big of a deal.” You say. “I just kept things in stride.”

“It looks second degree. This is totally going to blister.” Mierfa looks at you. “It doesn’t hurt at all?”

“It hurts.” you say, “Just…not enough.”

Mierfa frowns. “Trouble in paradise?”

Oh gods. She’s doing that caring co-worker thing. You think Karkat would call this a case of one-sided pale. “I’m fine.”

“Dave, we go to the same school.” Mierfa sighs, “You haven’t been as cuddly with your cutie mutie.”

Fuck, is it that obvious? Also, ‘cutie mutie’ is a great caliginous nickname that would irritate the hell out of Karkat. Too bad you’ll never get to use it.

“Is anyone…threatening you?” asks Mierfa.

“What…?”

Mierfa shrugs. “I heard how the NJCocksuckerswere harassing you and I thought maybe they said or did something really awful. You hear about worse things happened to interspecies couples.” She frowns. “People like that make it hard to be an Orthodoxian.”

“No. Durham’s a pain but it’s not her…it’s just.” It’s your fucking fault Karkat and you are distant. “I know this is the East but it’s not that. It’s just…a private issue. Okay?”  

“Okay...” Mierfa stands. “I just don’t want to see anything bad happen.”

Bad shit has already happened and it’s your fucking fault.

“What time is it, by the way?” she asks.

“10:34.” You say.

Mierfa smiles slightly. “Still crazy how you’re able to do that without looking at anything.”

You shrug and she leaves the room.

Alone in the break room, you consider that Karkat could be pitch for a number of people. You can’t ignore how people look at him now that he’s an adult. He’s more attractive and radiates strength and maturity. You wonder if Mierfa’s asking because she’s worried or trying to judge when Karkat will be available on the market.

_Fuck. No brain. Don’t go there_ , you tell yourself because you have no right to feel jealous or paranoid. You can’t even talk to your boyfriend without bringing on a panic attack. Karkat has every reason to break up with you. Why is he even still staying with you? He hasn’t even mentioned that you’ve been avoiding him since last Wednesday. You don’t know if he’s in denial, that he doesn’t care, or if your relationship has just run its course.

You don’t want it to be over. Not yet.

And once that train of thought starts it just keeps rolling down the misery tracks. You can’t stop the thoughts reminding you of how shitty a person you are. Karkat’s been through so much this year and you can’t get over one little thing because you’re a fuck-up. It’s bad enough you cheated on him. Everyone already thinks you’re an asshole. They all do. Even Mierfa and Jake do and they’re right.

Just fuck it. Fuck. _Fuck._

“Why does anyone put up with me?” you whisper to no one.


	2. needle in the hay

4:55 PM

You go home. The trailer is empty. Jade is out. Dirk and Jake are busy with whatever. Karkat is out. Maybe he’s talking to Vriska or Terezi and Kankri. Maybe he’s thinking about moving back home or going with Cronus. If he went with Cronus, he’d be closer to Vriska. He’d see less of you. He’d forget about you.

It hurts to think of Karkat forgetting you. That was your biggest fear when he molted; that he would be physically _and_ mentally changed. You can’t stop thinking of it. You’re so frazzled and unfocused you can’t do your homework. You get online and hope Rose is there.

Please be there.

 

\--turntechGodhead[TG] began trolling unsightlyWeaver[UW]!--

 

TG: hey rose you there

UW: Yes, just watching cartoons with the kids. What’s going on?

TG: well remember way back when you showed me that picture of me as a little kid with bro and your mom?

UW: Yes. What of it?

TG: well i was thinking really hard and i cant clearly remember anything from that time like not even the context of that picture

TG: and i know you usually dont remember stuff when youre a toddler but i dont remember anything about my mom or dad and i dont remember coming to new jack city

UW: Well I’ve always questioned the story Dirk told you about your upbringing. Do you know where you lived before you came here?

TG: no

UW: Have you ever asked?

TG: well yeah like all the time when i was younger but he was always really vague i think he said one time he said our ancestors were like from dadlas

UW: Why don’t you ask Dirk now then?

TG: were kind of well

UW: Still not speaking terms?

TG: not like that its sorta weird between us now

TG: like im not sure if hell tell me the truth or not or

TG: or if i want to know because of how i am

TG: its just

TG: its bothering me

UW: Dave, maybe you should calm down.

TG: im calm!

TG: im calm

TG: i just dont understand whats going on

TG: i just hate this i hate this feeling i hate that im suddenly not in charge anymore and that i flinch everytime karkat touches me i just

TG: i want things back the way they were

TG: i just want things to be normal again

TG: i want to be normal

UW: Oh, Dave…

UW: “Normal” has such a subjective definition. All that matters is your happiness and you *were* happy. We both know there is no way to return to the past, so we must learn to craft a better future. You can be happy again but it will take effort and it will not be a quick solution.

TG: so why is this happening?

TG: i mean im trying to just live and

TG: and this happens

TG: and i cant

TG: function

UW: I’m no expert, Dave, but I think your behavior is a combined reaction. Now I’m assuming your fears of Karkat aren’t based so much in fact as much as they remind you of something that may have happened when you were younger. It may have been something very minor. You could have seen something on TV but it stuck out so much that it remained in your memory, or it could have been something very traumatic.

TG: traumatic?

UW: Yes. It’s not unusual for young children who experience traumatic events to behave in a certain way. They become incredibly clingy to parents or guardians. They are hyper vigilant. They go under emotional distress when reminded of their initial trauma. They fear or avoid places that remind them of what happened. They have nightmares and can lose previously-acquired skills, such as toilet training or speech.

UW: Now, Dave, think back to that picture I showed you. Why did you get upset? Was it because it changed what you thought of Bro or because it reminded you of something?

TG: i

TG: i dont know    

TG: i just didnt like it or like looking at it

TG: it made me like

TG: angry and really just

TG: like i had to delete it

TG: having it on my husktop drive bothered me

UW: That’s interesting. Here’s another question: do you remember the first time you saw a troll?

TG: i sort of remember walking somewhere with a troll but i didnt know who they were or where they were going

TG: they seemed kinda friendly

UW: Interesting.

UW: Dave, when we first met in kindergarten, you were afraid to talk to people. More specifically, you were afraid to be seen talking or being noticed. When you got older, this translated into a strong desire to blend in and conform to a standard you perceived as normal, thus the friction you had with Dirk about wearing shades. Do you remember why you felt this pressure to conform?

TG: i sort of remember like

TG: when i was really little i had to stay quiet for like

TG: safety i think?

TG: like i knew that if i spoke too loud or stood out too much i would die

TG: its kind of hard to understand now

UW: Do you remember gym class in third grade?

TG: uh not really

UW: You whacked your hand on a baseball bat and you almost shouted, but you did something else instead.

TG: what

TG: oh my gods

TG: i bit myself like

TG: i bit my hand really hard

TG: fuck i forgot about that

TG: i used to do it all the time at home because making any noise was bad

TG: i bit myself so hard that i started to bleed and

TG: and the gym teacher freaked out and sent me to the guidance counselor they wanted to put me in a special needs program

TG: and the other kids thought i was crazy but you like talked to me

UW: I thought it was interesting rather than crazy but I was a strange kid.

TG: i remember bro telling me that it was okay and i didnt have to be quiet anymore but i didnt believe him i still bit myself when i was alone

TG: i think i only stopped when jake saw me do it cause he was there when bro wasnt

UW: Hm. This is all interesting but the person to ask about this is Dirk. He’s the one who’s been with you your whole life. I think it’s time to ask him about the truth. If you’re not sure about what he tells you, you could always cross-reference with my Mother or John’s Mother.

TG: johns mom?

UW: Yes. I just realized that her signature was on the original picture.

UW: JCE. Jane Crocker Egbert.

TG: she must have taken the picture

UW: The picture is overseeing Happy Harbor so they must have come by boat. Already the bits of story Dirk told you don’t add up. Dadlas is a landlocked city. They wouldn’t have to come by boat to get there.

TG: alright

TG: time for me to go talk to bro

UW: Good luck, Dave.

 

\--turntechGodhead[TG] ceased trolling unsightlyWeaver[UW]!--

 

You have no idea how you’re going to talk to Bro. Walking up to him and saying “Hey, Bro. Where in the fuck did I come from because I’m scared of Karkat and I’m scared he’ll leave me, which I don’t want because I’m a clingy piece of shit.” doesn’t sound like a good idea. You have homework to do anyways so you tackle that first. Homework isn’t as difficult as it was last year. This year you’re prepared with recorded lectures and flashcards, so it shouldn’t be as bad. You’re relieved to be done with Algebra and moving onto Statistics, as that’s math you can wrap your head around.

 

* * *

 

 

       drag yourself&others through melanoid streets at dawn:

hot alleys,full of steam and empty of bodies but not of trash

houseless tired and fearful you runrunrun and the Man says:

-keep quiet little man or

 

and the Man stammers says lower:

-keep quiet little man or we may have trouble

dripdripdrip droplets down your face,hot steam in the alley

spill out of the alley like oil

 

smell the rotting before you See it and the Man says:

-dont look

-keep quiet little man or we might die

tries to cover your eyes but you cannot unlook

smoggy morning there is a

 

 

You sit up, groggy and your head pounding. You wipe drool from the corner of your mouth and wonder what time is it. 6:24, you soon realize, which means you must have nodded off after finishing your homework.

What was that dream about? Fuck if you know and asking yourself won’t help. Its not as if your body knows the truth, as if some muscle or organ will suddenly declare, _I am Dave’s right ear and I know the answers._

Thinking of answering organs reminds you of a TV show, buried in your old muddy memories. You sat on the floor and watched a show with puppets. The only human was a muscular man in a flesh-colored unitard detailed with various organs.

“I am…Joe’s heart.”

You can hear the public domain chiptune theme of the edutainment show. Joe the Body’s heart talks about what it needs to keep healthy. Someone taps you on the shoulder and you turn around. White carapace arms pick you up but you’re not afraid.

The memory ends and you’re more confused. The only clear memory is the corpse, wounded and decaying.

Fuck, you’re going to vomit. This is almost as bad as when Karkat first started to molt and he was ripping his skin off. You make it to the bathroom but only bile comes out. You’ve been feeling queasy all day so you haven’t eaten. In the bathroom, you hear the front door open. Bec and Sonny Jr. aren’t growling or barking so it’s not a break-in. You peek into the living room and see Karkat stroll in. Sonny Jr. walks over to him, clicking happily. Karkat smiles and pats the lusus on the head.

This is stupid. You just need to talk to him. You enter the living room and open your mouth, but nothing comes out.

Karkat tilts his head. “Hey.”

“Um.” You look at his face—knowing he’s Karkat—but seeing a snarling monsters that wants to gut you. “I. Uh.”

“Dave.” Karkat sits on you couch and Sonny Jr. climbs into his lap. “Take as much time as you need.”

Is he making fun of you? Is he genuinely being sympathetic? You don’t know but you can’t speak. You leave through the backdoor before the panic attack grabs hold of you. On the porch, you practice your breathing.

Stupid fucking coward.

You take another deep breath. You may not be able to face Karkat but you can still talk to Dirk . You ascend the stairs and enter the second trailer. Jake’s been in and out all day but Dirk is sitting on the couch, reading _Somebody’s Grub: The Politics, Ethics, and Identity of Transpecies Adoption._ There’s a small stack of similar books next to him.

He looks at you and you blurt it out before your anxieties stop you. Even though you’re anxious, your voice stays even like it always does. “Where did we come from?”

“Does it matter?”

“To me it does.”

Dirk shuts the book. “I assume this has something to do with your anxiety of Karkat’s adult molt.” You don’t respond. If he knows that much, he already knows the answer. “I…put off telling you this because I didn’t know how you would react.”

“I know I don’t take abrupt changes well, but, it can’t be _that_ bad.”

“It is.” Dirk hesitates and then, “We’re from Leder. Or more specifically, _you_ are from Leder. You survived the Ortiza Riots. You were a toddler when they happened so I didn’t expect you to remember it but…” He sighs, “The rioting trolls killed your parents and…and strung them up. They made a makeshift gallows out of the electrical wires on Main Street. I tried to cover your eyes but…”

You still saw them; the bodies of your mother and father twisting in the wind with carrion crows on their shoulders. They were not the only victims dangling in the air.

 

 

The humidity in the room has intensified, like you’ve moved from the East to the Denzian desert. Your face is flushed and… _no_. No, _fuck_ this. You’re not going to pass out or have a panic attack. “You said…’your parents’. Not ‘ours’. You’re not my brother…are you?” You voice still sounds so calm saying it.

“No.” Dirk says. For the first time, you hear his calm tone falter. “I’m your…godfather. Your father was… like a brother to me. It…hurt when he died. And it…it hurts even more to say this, but I am glad you are nothing like him.”

“What is _that_ supposed to mean?”

“Your father was Squ…well, he didn’t go by that name in Leder. In Leder, he was Eric Solomon and he was the police commissioner that shot Ortiza Makara. Ortiza’s death was the straw that broke the camel’s back. The situation for trolls had been bad in Leder for a long time. While I was there, I tried to mediate the situation but Eric considered trolls dangerous monsters and trolls considered Eric a bigot…” Dirk shakes his head. “I was there when he shot the girl. I told him not to shoot but…”

The carapace arms that picked you up. The grey hand that was leading you around. “I only remember fragments…why?” You’re starting to breathe faster. “Why can’t I remember? Why I am so fucking scared and _I can’t even remember why?_ ”

“Dave, you were young when it happened and the riots…it was frightening for everyone.” Dirk says, “The only reason you survived was because of your ‘mutant’ status. Your father had married into an old money family who—”

“I don’t care about that.” Your voice is strained, “You’re saying I’m afraid of Karkat because of something that happened years ago? Something that _you_ kept from me? You should have told me this. I…I had nightmares…I was afraid of everything be-because…”

“I know…” Dirk sighs, “When we came to New Jack you were still afraid. The biting was my fault. There were times in Leder when we had to absolutely quiet or we’d be discovered. You were young and didn’t understand so I used to cover your mouth. I…didn’t know it would affect you like that. I thought I’d have to tell you sooner but you just…forgot over time. After Jake came and you got older, you became more acclimated. I…didn’t want to ruin things for you.”

You feel like you’re going to pass out. You try to gracefully walk from Dirk but you’re stumbling. You can’t stop shaking. “So… so that’s it, huh? That’s the reason? That makes so much fucking sense. I mean.” You snigger, “I-I mean it fits, right? The irony of it all? I’m fucking upset about parents that I can’t even remember, hated me for being a freak, and now its ruining my fucking life. Heh. Ha. Ha.”

You start laughing. It’s so dry and flat. This entire situation is too ridiculous for you. “Ironic…it’s so fucking ironic…”

Dirk slowly stands. “Dave. Dave…it…it’s alright…”

“Sure. Yeah. It’s fine.” you say, still laughing, “I mean, I already knew my parents were dead so what’s the point? So what if I’m the son of one of modern history’s great monsters? I’m banging a troll so that’s the universe’s way of evening things out.” You can’t stop laughing. The room is starting to spin but you catch yourself on the wall before you fall. “It doesn’t matter anymore. Karkat may as well hate me.”

Dirk moves closer. “Dave, breathe. You’re having a panic attack.”

You move away from him but everything is swaying like you’re on a rocky boat. You swoon but don’t topple. _“I’m fine.”_

“Dave—”

You stumble down the stairs, wheezing. You almost tumble over the metal banister. Your stomach is in knots but you’re not going to give in. You can’t stay here.

You force yourself to keep walking, not knowing which direction you’re going.


	3. no idle tears

 

6:24 PM

Your laughter peters out when you realize you’re alone. The air tastes like rust and smells like old plastic. You’re probably getting cancer just standing out here. Maybe you already have a history of cancer in your family that you don’t know about.

Where are you anyways? The ground in this part of the trailer park is waterlogged. The trailers are decaying in the mud and trees have toppled on them. You think it could be South Street, as it was abandoned years ago due to flooding and the expanding swamp. You’re not sure if it’s _completely_ abandoned as Jake had still been living out here in a tent when you met him. There could be other unregistered immigrants or wanted criminals.

“That’d be a great way to go.” you say to no one, “Knifed by a junkie on South Street.”

You slap a mosquito on your neck. Autumn is coming and the mosquitoes are still fierce. You shouldn’t be wandering around this place. You could get sucked into a sinkhole. Your shoes, socks, and pants are definitely ruined.  

But you can’t go home. You can’t face Karkat or Jade.

So you march on, sloshing through the abandoned neighborhood and listening out for anyone sneaking up on you. No one comes. All you hear are mosquitoes buzzing in your ear and loud croaking. Some of the remaining trailers are graffitied with colorful messages telling the DD to fuck off or saying goodbye to mentioned friends. You pass a crooked sign saying ‘DEAD END’ and a toppled power line. At the end of the street are abandoned couches, TVs, chairs, and old mattresses accompanied by leaking garbage bags. Looks like you found where everyone’s been dumping their trash during the strike.

Past the dumping site is where the forest begins. The ground is soupier and you’re wary of going any further because of the aggressive lusus. Plus, you already have mud in your shoes and your feet are cold. You still can’t go home so you find a dry spot near a cluster of large mangroves. You sit on the broad roots hunched over the dark water. The sky is dark and the mosquitoes are harassing you. It’s loud with the croaking frogs and chirping crickets but its peaceful. The animals don’t care that you’re a fuck-up. You deserve to be alone. You couldn’t even handle Bro telling you the truth without freaking out.

No. He’s not your brother, and the truth has been staring you in the face for years. You don’t look alike. Rose had said it before and you freaked out then because you always knew it was true. You just didn’t want to see it. Dirk is Trussian and you’re…what?The son of Eric Solomon, the infamous bigot. The bastard that killed an innocent girl and destabilized his entire country. Who was your mother? An old money debutant who left her son with a nanny and assumed everything would be alright.

Apparently not because the boy disappeared from history, assumed dead like the rest of Leder’s human and human-sympathetic politicians and police.

Or that’s what the history books told you. That’s what Aranea has lectured. That’s what Dirk knew. It hurt Dirk to talk about your father but even he knew the man was a bastard.

So what are you now?

A coward. The son of a terrible man, raised by his god-father and his husband in a trailer park. A spaz who’s afraid of his boyfriend and can’t properly emote when he’s afraid so people think he’s a stoic coolkid and he went along with it because it was better than admitting the truth.

You should really consider going back home. Jade is probably worried, but what would be the point? You can’t cope living with Karkat. How would Karkat react to you knowing you’re the son of… _that_ man? Would he become as scared of you as you are of him?

Your shades are fogging up. You take them off and see dried salty splotches, but can’t remember crying or sniffling. Just like a robot, you can’t work up tears for life-changing events. You put your shades back on and look at the sky.

You want to ponder the cosmos, hoping for divine answers, but the light pollution and city smog have obscured the sky. For “cosmic observance”, a hovercar passes overhead since some asshole thinks the airspace laws don’t apply to him.

The cosmos is giving you one giant middle finger.

You hear sloshing. Down the road, someone is walking toward you and you didn’t bring your gun or a sword. The only light you have is from Two Boot Drive’s streetlights and fireflies, so you can’t make out their face as they approach. You stand but don’t run. What’s the point? You have nowhere to run or hide if they want to gut you. So you stand there, leaning against the mangrove and looking blank.

The person approaches the base of the mangrove tree. “What in the hell are you doing out here, Strider?”

“I.” It’s Karkat. It’s Karkat though you can’t see his face with the far-off light in back of him. You look at your feet and admit, quietly, “I don’t know.”

Karkat sighs. “ _Dave_ …” he says, gently, “Come home.”

“Why? It’s not my home.” you mutter, “I’m not from here.”

Karkat shrugs. “Are _any_ of us?”

“This is different.” You want to look at him. You want to hold him. You want to feel the vibration of his heart beating against your chest. “I don’t want you to leave. I don’t want. To be afraid of you but. I can’t control it. What do I do…?”

Karkat sighs and climbs onto the mangrove with you. You shut your eyes so you don’t panic. You feel his warm hands on your face. Your heart isn’t pounding but you still feel a nervous tingling in your hands.

“I can’t answer that for you, Dave. I know that personally, you’re not always afraid of what hurts you. Purplebloods hurt me but I’m not phobic of them. I’m scared of mansions though. I saw a show about the lifestyles of the rich and the famous a few weeks back and felt… _sick_. I couldn’t understand it until I thought back to that… _place_ …” His forehead touches yours. “If you need space, we can end this. I’ll move in with Cronus…but even if I go…I don’t think I’ll ever stop hating you.”

“I don’t think I could ever hate anyone like I hate you.” Blood pools in your cheeks and you know your entire face is red. “I don’t want you to leave.”

You open your eyes slowly, looking at his face. Karkat is staring back at you. His eyes are brighter and his skin darker, but this is still Karkat. _Your_ Karkat. You rest your head against his shoulders and wrap your arms around his waist. “I…feel less afraid now. Now that I just got a good look at you…but I don’t know how long this’ll last.”

“We can always start over. We rushed into this relationship but we still managed to make it work. We’ll just take it slow and see if you adjust.” He shrugs. “If not, we could just completely separate.”

“You shouldn’t have to do this though. It’d be normal just to say ‘no’ and leave it at that...”

Karkat purrs and nudges you. “Strider, I’m a fucking alien that molts and lays eggs. You are in a red relationship with a furry strongwoman. ‘Normal’ is fucking white bread on rice compared to us.”

Karkat is still Karkat and it took you this long to realize it. You don’t know how long it’ll take for you to conquer your anxieties, but it’s worth trying.

“I miss having you in bed.” You say.

Karkat smirks.

“Not like that.”

The smirk doesn’t disappear. “Well, I did enjoy having a TV in my room but it’s drafty and Sonny and Bec keep sleeping on me. Plus, it’s giving me a kink in my back.”

You smirk. “Not the first kink that ever gave you trouble.”

Karkat makes a face and you see his face flush red. “Shut it, Strider…” 

You both leave the muddiness of South Street and go down Two Boot Drive, tracking mud and water with squelching footsteps. You hold his hand the entire way. It’s immature but a small step in learning to cope. You had to get used to the new size of his hand anyways.

“We can get a new mattress. The current one is broken in some places anyways.” you say, “We’ll take it out of the car fund and see if there’s a sale this weekend.”

Insects still annoy you along the way so you’re both going to be covered in bug bites for weeks. Its going to be a nightmare between the scabs on your burned hand and the bites.

Outside your door, Karkat hesitates. “Are you sure you want to do this…?” he whispers, looking at you.  

“It’s silly to be afraid of trolls when I live in the Ninth Ward.” you say, “What’s going to happen when the rest of you hit puperty? Or pupetry? _Pupa_ -try…? Adult molt.” You’re just gonna keep using that term.

“That won’t be for a while. I hit it early.”

It’s still jarring to look at him. “What did Vriska think when she saw you?”

“I haven’t seen her yet…” Karkat grumbles and swats at another mosquito. “Let’s just get inside. These bugs are eating me alive.”

Inside, Jade is sitting on the couch in tears. She sees you and stands as quickly as she can, “Dave, where have you _been_? I was worried sick!”

“Sorry. I sort of— _ow!_ ”

Jade hits you in the shoulder, sniffling. “Don’t run off like that without telling me, you dick! I thought my psycho mother and brother hurt you! I almost broke down crying with Grandpa because I thought something had happened to you!”

Oh great. That’s another situation you’re going to have to deal with. You rub the welt on your arm. “Sorry. I had a panic attack and I didn’t think you’d be home so early.”

“Don’t scare me like that.” Jade hiccups, tears running down her eyes.

“Jade, it’s okay” You say, touching her shoulder.

She hits you in the arm again. “Don’t touch me! I’m still mad at you!”

“Fuck! _Ow_! Stop hitting me! You have Truckasaurus hands!”

“You deserve bruises for making your pregnant girlfriend panic.” Jade huffs, “Where have you been? You’re covered in mosquito bites.” She looks down. “And _mud._ ”

“Strider decided to be a swamp rat.” Karkat sighs, trudging to the kitchen.

“ _Wait_! You’re tracking _mud everywhere_ , Karkat! Dear gods.” Jade says. “You both have to take off your clothes. Like _now._ ”

You smirk. “I thought we weren’t doing the sexual aspect of this ménage-a-trois?”

“We _aren’t_!” Karkat insists.

“No, you doofus!” Jade says, “You were walking in that gross polluted swamp. You could’ve contracted double-hook ringworm or any of those nasty parasites. Y’know, the ones that are always a problem in this part of the country besides _its so humid for most of the year._ And there’s a _pregnant woman_ living with you who’s _supposed to avoid those things._ ”

Karkat and you look at each other. “Okay. Stripping now.” you say, unzipping your fly.

Jade walks to the storage room. “I’m getting gloves and burning those clothes.”

“You can’t burn these pants! I just got them!” Karkat says.

“I’m _burning_ them! Double-hook ringworm and certain STPs can survive detergent treatments!” Jade insists, shouting over the sound of her rummaging through the storage room.

“If you’re going to set a fire, do it outside in a metal can.” you say, taking off your pants and tossing them onto Karkat’s mud tracks. Karkat grumbles and does the same.

“The underwear too. That’s the first place they’ll go.” Jade says.

“The mud was only up to my ankles, woman!” you say.

“Still a hazard zone! It’s hot and wet in there and a perfect place for parasites!” Jade says.

“Oh my fucking god. This _conversation_.” Karkat mutters.

Jade comes back out into the living room wearing rubber gloves, a mask, and holding a mop and bucket, like Karkat and you are Patient Zero. “Take them off or I will take them off for you!”

“I’m not setting my _boxers_ on _fire_ —” You hear a loud argument above your head. It sounds like Jake and another man. Oh no. You look at Jade. “Who else is here?”

“Well,” Jade mutters, “I was really upset so _Grandpa_ …”

“ _Jade_. Hun.” you say, “Is your Grandfather still here and I’m _not_ wearing pants?”

“Oh, Dave, it’s not that big of a deal…” Jade sighs.

“It is a _huge_ fucking deal for me and Karkat to be pantsless and your grandfather—who hates us—is still here.”

“Grandpa will probably be talking to Jake for a while though.” Jade says.

“There’s still a chance he could come downstairs.” You move toward your muddied pants. “I’m putting the pants back on.”

“Don’t you dare put those pants back on!” Jade growls.

“I’m putting them back on until your grandfather leaves and Karkat, why are you sitting around _naked_?”

“I really hate parasites,” the mutantblood say, “and this is _really_ funny to watch.”

“Vantas, put your clothes back on!”

“I only have two pairs and I have to shower before I put them back on or parasites could spread.” Karkat says.

“ _See_? _Karkat_ knows.” Jade huffs, going for your pants.  

“Jade, don’t touch those pants!” you say.

You end up playing keep away with your pregnant girlfriend while your troll boyfriend sits on the couch, naked and laughing. It’s then Grandpa Harley opens the door.

“Jade, I’m—”

You freeze where you are. You are currently standing behind Jade in your boxers. Karkat is still naked. You stare at Grandpa Harley and he stares back. Silently, he backs out and shuts the door.

You chase after him, opening the door and shout into the street. “It’s not what it looks like! We had to get naked! It was Jade’s idea!”  

There’s no response as the man is already gone. You realize that everyone in the neighborhood probably heard that and quickly shut the door. Behind you, Jade is snickering and Karkat is on the floor, having keeled over in laughter.

“Oh my fucking _gods_ …” you grumble.  

“At least Grandpa Harley got to see your best assets.” Karkat snickers.

“It’s not _that_ bad, Dave,” Jade says, adding the last of the clothes to the bucket, “Grandpa hates having Karkat here more than anything else. He thinks trolls eat anything that’s smaller and weaker than them, including their own eggs! Sometimes he’s so backwards...”

Karkat’s laughter immediately stops and his smile disappears. Jade looks at him. “Karkat? Are you okay?”

Karkat shakes his head and stands, quickly walking to the bedroom. Jade looks at you. “Oh gods. Did I trigger him?” she whispers.

“Probably.” Jade looks panicked and you quickly say, “I-I’m sure he’ll be fine eventually. He’s a tough guy.”

“I still feel bad. It’s his birthday and sometimes I forget about what happened to him.” Jade mumbles.

“What?”

Jade looks at you, “You know what happened with—”

“Not that. Today is Karkat’s _birthday_?” you say, whispering in near-panic.

Jade nods. “Yeah. He’s eighteen.”

You groan and sit on the couch. “Fuck. On top of being a spaz for the past week and a half, I forget his _birthday_.”

“Dave, you’re not a ‘spaz’. Stop calling yourself that.” Jade leaves the bucket’s side and sits next to you. “It’s not your fault that you get overwhelmed easily and your mind obsessively blows things out of proportion. Karkat already said he wasn’t in a celebrating mood.”

“Yeah, because of _me_.” you grumble.

“Dave, it isn’t just about _you_. He said that he wanted the money for a party to go toward his kids. And Karkat’s had a lot of other stuff on his mind too. Vriska and Terezi are due any _day_ now and Feferi went into labor today.”

“What? Really?” How much have you missed in the past week being wrapped up in your petty dilemmas? You grumble, “Shit…I’m like the worst kind of person…”

Jade pats your shoulder sighing. She realizes it’ll take more than pep talks to get you to feel different about yourself. “What are Karkat and you going to do?”

“Get a bigger bed for one thing,” you say, “and then teach my brain that he’s my boyfriend and not dangerous. I’m just…happy he’s not leaving.”

“Me neither. He’s not my kismesis but I like having Karkat here. It’s nice to have someone to talk to when you’re stuck in the house.” Jade slowly stands. “You should shower. Your legs are still wet.”

A shower sounds like a good idea. You wash off any possible parasites and remaining swamp water. Jade burns the clothes in the backyard. There’s no point in putting them in a garbage bag since they’re just going to fester on the curb. Afterward she applies ointment to Karkat and you since you’re itching from all the mosquito bites. She even changes the bandage on your hand.  

All three of you sit on the couch, smelling of menthol and medicine. It’s strange having Karkat take up so much space but you’ll get used to it.

“You couldn’t have gone frolicking in a meadow or something. It had to be a _swamp_.” Karkat grumbles.

“When was the last time you saw a _meadow_ in fucking New Jack City, Vantas?” you snort, scratching your arm. “In this kind of place, they’d pave paradise to put in a parking lot.”

“Don’t scratch. That makes it worse.” Jade says.

“This is going to suck for the next week…” Karkat grumbles.

“I guess this is a shitty birthday present.” You sigh.

Karkat shakes his head. “ _Nope_. Not by a long shot.” He smiles, “Anyways, I wouldn’t be happy at my wriggling day if I had it now. Everyone is so tense and anxious. I want it to be a time when _this_ is all over.”

 _This_ could include senior year, your anxieties, the Cherubs trying to kill Rose, the gang war, or just living in New Jack. Jade yawns and picks the controller off the coffee table.

“I’m bored.” she says, which is code for _I need to relax or I’ll flip out at Dave again about nothing._ “Karkat, wanna try Surgeon Simulator 2127?”

“Why the hell would people make a game about surgery?” Karkat mutters.

“Isn’t that the ridiculously hard game?” you ask.

“Ohhh yeah.” Jade says, grinning. “One person controls the hand, someone else controls the fingers, and then you work together to perform surgery. You can even have a three player mode where someone controls the speed and accuracy of the tools.”

“That sounds like a huge clusterfuck.” Karkat says.

You smile. “We’re totally doing it.”


	4. like father like son

**== >Dave: Be Jake an hour into the past **

 

“You should have told me she was still here.” your father says.

You offered the old man a seat but he refuses to put you on eye level. He always liked lording over you whenever he felt you were in the wrong. Dirk is in the bedroom. He was already in a funk by the time you got home and having your father here isn’t improving things.

“It’s not like we talk,” you say, “and it’s none of your concern.”

“It is most definitely my concern when it involves my granddaughter.” He answers.

You roll your eyes. “You don’t care about her. You care about your precious ‘lineage’. If it were up to you, you’d leave her alone in your giant manor and travel the world killing things in every country. You wouldn’t even be involved if she wasn’t pregnant.”

“After all this time, you think I’m so simple minded.” Your father shakes his head in disappointment. “I’ve had enough of you dancing around the issue and putting Jade and her child’s life at risk. Once again, _I’ll_ be the man and handle this _myself_.”

Your father walks to the door but you stand and block his path. “ _No_! Father—”

Your father stares at you. “Don’t call me ‘Father’. My only son died of an overdose years ago.”

You grit your teeth. “ _Mr. Harley_ , I know we don’t get along but I don’t want to see you hurt. Joan is dangerous and _crazy_ strong.”

“Don’t you think I _know_ that?” The man walks around you and opens the door. “I gave that woman asylum for nine months so that my granddaughter wouldn’t be born in a prison cell. I know _exactly_ what Joan is like but I refuse to sit around and let her terrorize someone I care about. Part of being a man is protecting your loved ones.”

“Don’t lecture me. I have lost just as much as you have so you can stop it with the martyr act because that is load of bullocks! _You don’t think I was cried when Mother died? You don’t think I blamed myself after I broke her heart?_ I have a family now and I protect them as best as I can, but I refuse to run after a _mad-woman_ and throw my life away in some self-important blaze of bravado!”

You are shouting. You didn’t mean to shout. Your father has not turned around to face you. He’s ignoring any outburst like he would from a toddler throwing a tantrum.

“I’m sorry…I…” you mutter.

He leaves through the door and spares you both the embarrassment of you tearfully fumbling through an apology. The door clatters shut and all you hear are Dave and Karkat downstairs. Dave is back, so that’s one problem solved for now. You go into your bedroom and Dirk is lying on the bed, facing the wall.

You sit next to him. “Dirk. Love. Dave came back. Things are going to be alright.”

“I should have taken the bullet.” Dirk says.

“What?” you ask.

“I should have taken the bullet after… _Eric_ …shot the gun.” Dirk says, “I should have shot his hand or his foot. I should have shielded the girl. I should have told his wife he was having a nervous breakdown. I should have made him seek counseling…”

You run your fingers through his hair. If you didn’t know him so well, you think he would be weeping. “Not even the gods can change what must be.”

Dirk looks away. “I haven’t talked about Square… _Eric_ in years. It still hurts to talk about him. I didn’t think it could still _hurt_.”

“It always hurts to talk about someone you love that’s gone.” you say, “It still hurts when I think of Troxie or Joan, or how Joan _used_ to be.”

Dirk snorts. “I can’t imagine past Joan being a sweet girl.”

“You’ve seen her?” There’s nothing worse than exes meeting present spouses, whether they’re both trained killers or not.

Dirk looks over at you and his expression is hard. He won’t tell you details but that expression tells you he’s seen her or (even worse) spoken with her.

“She was different.” you say quietly, “That’s all.”

“Do you think,” he whispers, “Dave will ever forgive me?”

Downstairs, you hear Dave laughing and Karkat yelling. Jade is saying something that sounds like ‘Watch out for the laser!’. “I think he’s going to be fine.” you say, “You may not be blood related, but you both make mountains out of molehills.”

Dirk sits up. “Do you want me to follow your father?”

“Perish the thought.” you say, “The man is stubborn and would know when he’s being followed. Let him do what he wants.”

“You’re worried about him though.” Dirk says.

You shrug. “It’s what children do, whether they actually like their parents or not.”

Dirk frowns. “I can’t imagine what that’s like.”

“Was your relationship with your father worse?” Dirk had mentioned (perhaps _twice_ in your time together) that his father was a drunken bastard and his mother was too timid to challenge him.  

“I was raised in an orphanage on the Trussian steppe and our caretaker was a drunken bitch. The Trussian steppe borders Brazilitim so the caretaker would let tourists pick whoever they wanted for ‘entertainment’ and get paid handsomely for it. This went on until the Trussian government did an evaluation of the orphanage system, which had been in shabby condition since the imperial days. They discovered what was happening and decided to rectify it. The government agents made us watch as they shot our caretaker to death.

 

""‘This is how we deal with tyrants in Trussia’ they told us. We were children and some were frightened…but six of us were calm at the sight of blood and smell of death. One of them was Eric, though we called him Squarewave at the time. So the other children went elsewhere and we six were taken to the capital to be trained. So I never knew my biological parents. There was speculation I was the product of a Luscovite soldier and some Brazilitim whore, but never confirmed.”

You don’t know what to say to that. You always questioned why Dirk left Trussia and guessed that he had grown tired of Trussia’s militant ways or disagreed with his government, so he chose to disappear via barge rather than face the secret police.

“I’m tired of lying to people I love.” he concludes, in a whisper. “That is, if you still love me knowing I’ve been killing people since the age of twelve.”

You kiss him, smiling. “Dirk, not to brag, but I’ve been in a lot of relationships. You lying about being a killer for hire is the least horrible thing I’ve heard.”

Dirk smirks. “What was the worst lie?”

“‘I swear I was tested for STPs’.” You snort.

Dirk smirks. “You’re right. That is worse.”

You slide off the bed and take his hand. “Let’s go see what the kids are doing.”

Dirk shakes his head. “Dave doesn’t want to see me.”

“Doubt it.”

It takes time (and magic fingers) but you coerce him to join you downstairs. Dave and Dirk nod to each other but say nothing. You sit next to your husband and enjoy the evening calm.


End file.
